Video game movies: Unanimously, every single one of them is bad, yet there is something special about the following 10. Each one is much more terrible than the last, and they should all be considered some of the most damaging things to human artistry. All of these movies have terrible acting, direction, and writing. So instead of saying that every time, I’ve decided to just point out the most aggressively bad aspects of the films so as not to repeat the same things over and over again.
If you’re curious at all to experience these movies, don’t. Just walk in the other direction and rent yourself the game instead.
10) House of the Dead
This movie is special because it introduced us to videogame filmmaker Uwe Boll, who would go on to make 4 more movies on this list list. House of the Dead is terrible because it feels like Uwe took all of the worst parts of horror movies and put them in a blender; this movie was the result. Scantily clad girls on a mysterious island for no good reason and a mad scientist who decides to make this island his lab are common sights here. Add in actual video of the game being played on screen, and House of the Dead is a movie that even Sega should be ashamed of.
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9) Resident Evil: Apocalypse
The first Resident Evil movie is actually decent in my opinion. Paul Thomas Anderson actually took his RE movie in a good direction, creating a story that is separate from the games’ narrative, but enhanced by it.
The sequel is not good. After Anderson became producer, everyone else on set went bat-shit crazy and started throwing everything from the games in to see what stuck, which was nothing. Nemesis is here, weakly muttering "S.T.A.R.S.," and Jill is shoehorned in to justify his existence. New characters like L.J. are just grinding on your eyes and ears. It’s a terrible movie all around and the weakest entry in the series.
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8) Super Mario Bros
Yoshi is a raptor. Daisy is the princess. Koopa is Dennis Hopper. There is just so much that is wrong with Super Mario Bros. The movie took the established and rich world of Mario and turned it into a dark, mucky, and just plain dumb movie. An animated movie would have been a better route to take; casting Captain Lou Albano would have made this an Oscar winner.
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7) Far Cry
Number 2 on Uwe Boll’s shit list is Far Cry, a movie that shares nothing with the game it’s based on aside from its title and Jack Carver’s Hawaiian shirt. Jack is played by German actor Til Schweiger who doesn’t do anything to hide his accent, and the main villain by Udo Kier, who is just phoning it in. Aside from general crapiness, the movie looks like a bunch of kids made it in their backyard. A highlight is an armored hummer chasing a Volkswagen hatchback that is made to look armored. I’ll let that sink in.
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6) Mortal Kombat
Both Mortal Kombat movies follow back to back as each is just terrible for its own reasons. The first movie is a complete cheese-fest, almost turning the Earthrealm warriors into the Power Rangers, a transformation made complete in the sequel. It gets points for being close to the game, but it can’t save the poor fight scenes and acting. The only thing good here is the theme song. (Editor’s note: However, on its own, that song is 100% WIN!)
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5) Mortal Kombat Annihilation
Annihilation makes the first Mortal Kombat look like Thrill Kill. After almost getting it right the first time, the producers made the second a Saturday morning cartoon. Bright colors and cackling villains that are one line from exclaiming, "I’ll get you next time Liu Kang!" are pretty much the standard in this movie.
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4) Alone in the Dark
Uwe Boll grabs his third strike with a movie so terrible, Eden Games had to delay their Alone in the Dark reboot just to remove any connections and distance themselves from it. Christian Slater looks lost and confused as Edward Carnby and Tara Reid is hoping to score some more heroin if she can just stay conscious enough to get through the scenes. Oh, and Edward Carnby has superhuman strength and speed too.
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3) In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
If Lord of the Rings was made by those same kids who made Far Cry, it would be In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Jason Statham plays a farmer who is just collecting a paycheck and using his awesome martial arts skills fighting all the costumes Weta threw out back in the defective dumpster.
Boll reportedly made two versions of this movie: a cinematic 120 min version and a DVD-only 165 min version. Why you would want to subject yourself to 40 extra minutes of terrible acting and writing is beyond me. You’ll have more fun stabbing yourself repeatedly.
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2) Postal
Postal is number 2 for much more than being a terrible movie. It’s just plain offensive. I normally don’t get bothered by racial, religious, or crass humor. If it’s all in good fun, why are we not allowed to say it? But Uwe Boll doesn’t get that and all the off-color humor in Postal is just mean. Everything from mean-spirited 9/11 jokes to racial insults, this movie just pushes the uncomfortable button, as if Boll actually believes in the stuff he put on screen.
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1) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
The Legend of Chun Li. No known word can be used to describe how terrible this movie is. I’ll have to make up a word to describe the pain this film induces. Shitgums.
I firmly believe Capcom should sue the producers for using the Street Fighter name, mostly because I want to believe Capcom wouldn’t sign off on this and it was actually a case of copyright infringement. This movie takes established Street Fighter characters and recasts them as lame idiots. Of course, what can you do when an Irish-accented Bison’s ultimate goal is to commit real estate fraud. Everything is terrible about this movie. It has crappy fight scenes, bad acting, bad writing, and characters that have little to do with their videogame counterparts.
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