Reader, there is a 73.81010101% repeating chance that you started reading a review of Nintendo’s latest iteration of The Legend of Zelda virtual instances game series, subtitled Skyward Sword. My analysis indicates that this game unfolds as follows:
Scenario 32 – A child has gone missing in a village in the sky and the citizens assume she has not fallen off. Proven to be a resourceful hero, you offer your aid. You find her and clean a woman’s dusty house with bellows. There’s a pinwheel lying on the side of an active volcano. You need it to turn a windmill to play a song on a tower to play a song in another tower. (There is a 90% chance that you proceed to Scenario 6.)
Scenario 6 – You parachute to the base of Eldin Volcano. (There is a 60% chance that if you are looking for a dragon, you will be imprisoned and stripped of all your belongings. If so, proceed to Scenario 173) Using a combination of bombs, swordplay, and a gilded beetle, all bent to the corrected tilts and shifts of the Wii Remote, you scramble to the cracked stone porch beneath the arches of a derelict temple door. (In the event that you are seeking a pinwheel, there is an 80% chance that you will find it too bulky to move and be forced to return to the sky village to discover a means of transport. Proceed to Scenario 34.)
Scenario 34 – Amidst the tall grass, a kaleidoscope of blue butterflies feeds on invisible spirit juice. Naked pig men squeal. (Readings indicate that dispatching the pig men will only stem the tide of their rapid reproduction. Also, there’s an 80% chance that playing a mystical tune with a stringed version of an ocarina will alter dimensions. Proceed to Scenario 8.)
Reader, there is a 68% chance that you are confused by the format of [The Legend of Zelda game title]. The progression of events unfolds as described with a .2% margin for freedom. Players may choose to explore uncharted air space. This will be followed by a numbered Scenario.
Scenario 8 – In a dead sprint, you leap. In starfish formation, a horse-sized bird breaks your fall, and you glide with slight ease over the empty expanse of clouds below. It’s exhilarating – the moment of peril, the sudden freedom, the opportunity. You test the feathered companion’s resolve; dismount, freefall, whistle. It reappears, it catches you, and the skies open under your thumb again. (There is a 100% chance that you can fly to any available area, dropping to solid earth or floating rock, and proceed to any available Scenario so long as it numbers between 89 and 91. The world is your unfolding cloister.)
Scenario 90 – The orb you hold creates a vibrant, time-shifting aura in a surrounding sphere. It’s the past: a long, long time ago, when technology fueled production, and production fueled evil robots. You lay the orb in a mine cart, lash your whip to the conspicuous limb protruding from the sand-covered temple walls, and swing into the future. It’s musty, populated by scorpions. An oversized black scorpion breaches the dune at your feet, its vulnerable red claws pulsing, angled in different directions and rotating. Using your Wii Remote to brandish your Skyward Sword, you twist your wrist 45 degrees and slash. Again, then 80 degrees. Again. Then a flower. Then a wooden shield. Then a demon lord. (There is an 83% chance that you’ll utilize your sword in this manner until Lon Lon’s cattle return. Proceed to Scenario 6.)
Reader, if you have reached this textual juncture then you repeated the preceding Scenarios until growing tired. Remain calm. Visit Beedle’s Shop, deliver pumpkin soup, upgrade your slingshot, and gamble with a mole. When you are ready to end the cycle, proceed to Scenario 700.
Scenario 700 – (There is a 0% chance that the preceding Scenarios do not lead you to Scenario 700) The black earth quakes as a humongous… [This content redacted by a vengeful demon with red hair who is not named Ganondorf] … and Special Thanks are given to Nintendo of America for their tireless efforts. The End. (Proceed to New Game +)
