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Does anyone remember the great MTV series Celebrity Deathmatch? No, I’m not talking about the GOD-AWFUL videogame adaptation, I’m talking about claymation celebrities fighting to the death with buckets of blood and gore! This is one of my favorite shows of all time, and it saddens me that it only lasted four years. Of course, MTV2 tried to revive it, but… we’re not gonna talk about that.
Anyway, what if someone applied it to the videogame world? Not so much characters from games (which would be cool), but with actual personalities from the gaming world? The idea came to me not long ago, and I thought up a great idea for a test fight. Inspired by the great MTV show Celebrity Deathmatch, here is…
Head 2 Head Deathmatch!!!
NOTE: This will be written in the style of a play script or a screenplay. Spoken word in normal type, actions in italics. Hope that helps you understand.
JOE: Welcome to Head 2 Head Deathmatch! I’m Joe Hogan!
MIKE: And I’m Mike Murray!
JOE: And tonight, we’ve got two of the most recognizable names in the videogame industry squaring off to see who is the top face of games!
MIKE: These two are almost perfectly matched, Joe. I know I’ve been waiting for this fight for a long time.
JOE: Mike, I didn’t know you were a gamer.
MIKE: Oh sure, I was the most feared man in the arcade when I was a boy. QBert, Pac-Man, you name it.
JOE: Mike, I don’t think you can still be considered a "gamer" if you don’t play anymore.
MIKE: I still play! Look! [Nick takes out a Wii, begins to bowl, and throws the Wii Remote into the TV.] Well… so I’m a bit rusty. Who cares?
JOE: Let’s get down to the ring and start this fight!
[The camera switches to one of the corners of the ring, where our first combatant stands.]
JOE: In the red corner, the Savior of Activision! The Guitar Hero Giant! Bobby Kotick! [crowd cheers]
[Bobby raises his hand and panders to the crowd.]
BOBBY: Yes, yes, love me! I am the savior of the gaming industry!
[Camera switch to other corner.]
JOE: And in the blue corner, The Microsoft Madman! Major Nelson himself! Larry Hryb! [crowd cheers.]
LARRY: Hello everyone! Ready to see this corporate jackass get his final Game Over?
[The two fighters walk to the middle of the ring, where referee Mills Lane awaits.]
REFEREE: Kotick, Nelson, I’ve explained the rules to you both. I want a good, clean fight, and remember, there are no continues or extra lives. Die once, and you’re out! Now, let’s ring the bell and get this fight going! [Bell rings, crowd cheers.]
LARRY: Hold on a second. [Pulls out an iPhone. Narrates while typing.] "Kicking Kotick’s ass for the good of the game world. Wish me luck!" [Before he can hit Send, Bobby takes the phone and smashes it into Larry’s face.]
BOBBY: Tweeting on an iPhone? Not into brand loyalty, eh? Here, let me tell you about it! [Pulls out a Guitar Hero guitar and whacks Larry in the head.] I’ve turned Activision into the most powerful gaming company around! [Smashes Larry again.] My business mind has led to big success, and now it’ll lead to your death! [Whacks Larry repeatedly.]
MIKE: Bobby is on fire! He’s beating Larry into the ground just as he did with the Tony Hawk franchise!
[The guitar finally breaks, much to Bobby’s chagrin, giving Larry an opening.]
LARRY: Figures. If that were built by me, it would have never broken! [Punches Bobby.] Microsoft is no longer just a computer company! [Kicks Bobby in the gut.] We are now the leading online gaming outlet! [Kicks Bobby into the turnbuckle.] Without Xbox Live, your games wouldn’t be nearly as popular! Without me, you’re nothing! [Charges Bobby.]
BOBBY: [Dodges Larry, who smashes into the turnbuckle himself.] Oh, I don’t know about that. [Smashes Larry’s head into the turnbuckle.] I learned this move from Slash! [Bobby repeats the attack again and again.]
JOE: Major Nelson is in trouble now! Bobby has struck with the Guitar Hero Headbanger!
[Larry puts his hands out, stopping the attack, and backhands Bobby away. Pulls out a black desktop-style camera.]
LARRY: Bobby, my boy, today is your lucky day. I have in my hand a prototype for Project Natal, where you ARE the controller! Let me give you a demonstration! [Larry sets up the camera, then approaches Bobby and strikes him repeatedly with punches and kicks. The camera moves to the Jumbotron.]
MIKE: Look at that! The fighter in the game is copying Hryb’s moves exactly! How amazing is that?
JOE: Pretty cool, Mike, but it looks like Bobby may be recovering!
BOBBY: [Blocks a punch and throws Larry to the mat.] If there’s one thing making Call of Duty has taught me, it’s the art of combat! [Pulls out a combat knife.] It’s time I gave you an E74 error, Larry, only this time the "E" stand for eviscerated! [Charges Larry, but slips on a banana peel.] What the hell? A banana peel? Seriously? That stuff is for kids!
LARRY: I didn’t put it there, but who cares! [Charges Bobby and kicks him into the turnbuckle.] I learned this from Ninja Gaiden! [Pulls out three shurikens and throws them, all three landing in Bobby’s chest. Bobby pulls them out, and his wounds look like the 3 Red Lights.] Hey, look at that, it looks like you have a general hardware failure! Time to send you back! [Charges Bobby again, but this time he gets hit by a green turtle shell and is sent flying into the opposite corner.] A green turtle shell? Are you kidding me with this child’s play?
BOBBY: You really think I would use such kiddy weaponry? I didn’t throw that!
LARRY: Well, who did then?
?????: Gentlemen, please, let’s not bicker over logistics.
[Camera switches to the booth.]
JOE: I should have known it was him!
MIKE: Who, Joe? Who is it?
JOE: Isn’t it obvious? Banana peel? Turtle shell? It can only mean one person!
[Camera switches to the unknown third party.]
?????: That’s right, it is I, Reggie Fils-Aime! [Crowd cheers.]
JOE: Yes! It’s the CEO of Nintendo of America himself, known to his loyal fans as "The Regginator!"
REGGIE: My name is Reggie, I’m about kickin’ ass, I’m about takin’ names, and tonight, I’m about taking you two out, permamently! [Runs to Larry.] So, Major, you impress the gamers with great graphics and online access, but nothing you can do can match the history of Nintendo! [Pulls out a poison mushroom and stuffs it down Larry’s throat. Larry swallows and nothing happens.]
LARRY: That’s it? That’s all you’ve…hey…wai…[Larry becomes unable to move, the mushroom having a paralyzing effect.]
MIKE: That mushroom has made Larry unable to move, making him completely vulnerable to Reggie’s attacks!
REGGIE: Now that you’re on pause…[pulls a rope, which drops the Blue Falcon onto Larry, crushing him.] How’s that for a "Mass Effect"?
JOE: Unbelievable! Reggie has taken Major Nelson out with a replica car from F-Zero! All that extra profit from Wii sales have certainly gone to good use!
REGGIE: [Turns to Bobby.] And as for you…[Pulls out a chicken.] Here, compliments of The Legend of Zelda! [Throws the chicken at Bobby. Bobby fights with the chicken and kicks it away.]
BOBBY: That was it, a stupid chicken? Come on, Reggie, that was…[The chicken calls in reinforcements.] Uh-oh…
JOE: Bad move by Bobby! Anyone who’s played Zelda knows that attacking the chicken is bad news!
[A flock of angry chickens flood the ring and attack Bobby.]
BOBBY: No! This can’t be! I’m the savior of the gaming world! I’m the…[The chickens mercilessly begin to peck at Bobby’s body, tearing off an ear, arm, and leg before eventually tearing him to pieces.]
MIKE: Reggie’s poultry power move has taken Bobby Kotick out of the match! This fight is over!
[Mills raises Reggie’s hand.]
MILLS: The winner is Reggie Fils-Aime! [Cut to booth.]
JOE: And with that, Reggie Fils-Aime is now the face of the gaming industry!
MIKE: What an incredible fight! I’m just wondering what they’re going to do with all of those chickens. That could get messy.
JOE: And with that kentucky-fried carnage, we are out of time. For Mike Murray, I’m Joe Hogan saying good night!
[End credits.]
So…what did everyone think? Would this not be incredible to see in claymation? What other matchups would you want? It can be two characters, two people in the gaming world, whatever you want, so long as it’s gaming related. Send me your ideas, I’d love to hear them, and maybe I’ll write some of them!
[Jason Fanelli]
