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Halo 3: 4-player co-op DOs and DON'Ts

On July 31st, 2007, Bungie finally confirmed that Halo 3 will allow up to 4 players to band together, online and off, to take out the Covenant and bring closure to one of the most popular video game series of all time. Previously, players have only been able to play with one other person on a local game in the campaign. Going from playing with 1 other person to 3 may seem like an easy transition, but believe me, if there's anything we as people have learned, it's that more people equals more drama, and a surprisingly large amount of Halo players tend to be the same moron you swore you would never play with again. So, to prevent launch day on September 25th from turning into an episode of the Young and the Restless, I present to you the "Halo 3: 4-player co-op Dos and Don'ts", or "How I learned to love cooperation in videogames."

(In answer to several PMs, yes, the alt text on the images was my doing, and no, I haven't corrupted Kyle yet. -- Brendon)

When September 25th rolls around you don't want to be playing with your friends and be the douche bag who makes everyone interrupt gameplay because your girlfriend wants to engage in some completely unnecessary conversation about how her day went. Your friends don't care, and let's be honest, you probably don't care either, so spare everyone that awkward moment and let her know in advance that you're going to bed early...

You're a gamer. You should have nothing planned for this day. Bail, and forever lose cool points, not to mention look like a penis in front of your friends and likely have the ending ruined for you.

It's universally accepted that connection problems suck. Work around this by setting up a LAN with 4 tvs and 4 copies of the game. Real human interaction will always provide a greater experience than anything done online, regardless of what your "girlfriend" you met online may think.

Krispy Kreme, Pepsi, Coke, Beer, Buffalo Wings, Tums, these are your friends. If you don't have enough to feed a Russian family of 12, you don't have enough. Stock up, then stock up some more. Having to interrupt gameplay to go to the grocery store isn't an inconvenience; it's a serious problem.

Few things are more pathetic than a bunch of grown men arguing over who is going to play as a fictional character in a video game when it really doesn't matter. Figure it out early or face induction into the geek hall of fame.

Continually picking up the best weapons, powerups, and driving away in the Warthog with no passengers doesn't make you cool, it actually pisses off the people you are playing with. Shocking, isn't it?

If Frank keeps grabbing the Warthog and getting his face and the vehicle smashed to pieces, it might be wise to keep him from getting his grubby mitts on that oh-so-useful pinnacle of human engineering. Likewise for Billy and Brendon becoming a 2-man assault team on the mongoose. They may have good intentions, but let's face it; you can't kill the Covenant with sexual ambiguity.

Unless Bungie adds an extra seat, the Warthog is made for 3 people, that means one of you will have to figure out a different means of transportation. Sucker.

In case you didn't get the hint, footing it sucks.

Some of us like to enjoy all that the game has to offer. If something important is happening, please shut your trap, and don't try to add in something stupid like "that's what she said!" after every line. Don't worry; you can shoot stuff again in a couple of minutes. Just...let us have this much.

Enjoy the damn game.

Abide by these simple Dos and Don'ts and you are almost guaranteed a successful night. Don't argue. It's science.

So, what are YOUR Dos and Don'ts??

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