Isaac Clarke, hero of the Dead Space 2, said he doesn’t want any part of Visceral Games newest installment in the series because it’s “too fucking scary.”
In 2009, Clarke managed to best waves of a parasitic alien race known as the Necromorphs. However, the polymorphic creatures left their mark as Clarke now suffers from psychosomatic complications, i.e. he’s completely off his rocker.
Now with a second part written, the Dead Space story continues. Clarke, who spends most of his days sobbing and painting landscapes while listening to Sarah McLachlan, has to fight the Necromorphs once again. But he really, really doesn’t want to.
“Why would they do this to me again? What did I do to deserve this?” Clarke asked. “My imaginary dead girlfriend haunted me and then tried killing me. It was like Inception, man. I thought that would be enough.”
But it isn’t. Fans want more. They want to see Clarke don the iconic pressurized suit, wield the plasma cutter and get back into the action. Clarke, meanwhile, had a different idea. Before being morally assassinated, he tried pitching a new title to Visceral Games that he believed would make the company money and allow him to “keep blood.” He outlined a game that focused on his career prior to the events of the first game.
“For Christ’s sake, I’m an engineer,” Clarke pleaded. “I’m supposed to build things with this gear, not fight aliens that look like a naked Willem Dafoe on speed. Can’t I do that instead?”
The game would be called Isaac Clarke’s Happy, Safe Build Time, a “LittleBigPlanet-like” game about creating “pretty, happy worlds that are happy and pretty.”
Visceral Games was not pleased. Clarke said board members were so enraged after the pitch that they shot a puppy in front of him and told him to “man up.” Clearly, they weren’t messing around.
“I can’t even kill myself,” Clarke confessed. “I tried to the other day but I forgot there are no game overs in Dead Space. You can just keep trying again and again. I’ll just dance along like a puppet while my head gets ripped off time after time after time. Sick bastards.”
With his own fate out of his hands, Clarke now readies himself to go out and fight the Necromorphs once again, hoping the second installment will be the final installment.
“If they make a third one, I’ll say I’m a racist or gay or something,” Clarke said. “Maybe that will get me out of it. And no amount of new weapons, armor, or trailers featuring the Smashing Pumpkins will make me change my mind. I don’t see Billy Corgan grabbing a gun and risking his bald ass.”
He added: “Can’t you assholes just listen to your moms and leave me alone?”
